Well now, I suppose if you keep up with this, you may be realizing that this is the first blog in ages. Then again, if you're reading this, you are entirely pathetic. This is going to be a brief recap of the summer and things that I thought about. If your expecting a tale of crazy parties, wild sex, and alot of drinking, then don't read this. This is now what you want to hear. I've said it once and I'll say it again, I lead a very boring life.
Anywho, onward. I got off of school and went to work. Sure, work was fun and all, but it was still work. Meh. Funny stuff happened, like Jim's pink gloves and the like. But still, it was work..... There were tensions with employees that remained secret, to an extent, but luckily, nothing big went down.
Onto my other events that took place this summer. Umm. Yeah. I played alot of Magic, alot of D&D, camp, got addicted to DBZ video games, and went insane over a girl....
Can someone explain to me why girls are so good at ruining minds? Its a mystery that no one can solve.
Its amazing how when I look back, I see how truly stupid I was. Then again, who doesn't look back and think they mesed up. We all made mistakes, and we all have to live with them. I love how some mistakes come back to bit you in the ass a few years later. See, after me and Lindsey had our "falling out:, if you will, I spent the summer not caring at all. Then fall rolled around and there was a girl I had known for a few years via band. I don't really know where these feelings came from. Well, actually, I do, but I don't want to share them. Well, not yet anyways. If I did, I could easily give it away, and I know how much my readers love suprises. I laughed a little after I typed "my readers."
Marc, the mechanic at work, listens to a country station. The Djs did this segment on what you regret about high school. I was working with Tony that day. He was telling me what he regretted. I suprised him when I said I already had a list of regrets. One regret was spending so much time on one girl who did not show interest in return. I guess we all make mistakes like that though. Its not a mistake, really, I guess I was more naive than anything else. That girl I liked my senior year though. I made a mistake. I gave up hope and threw my feelings away because I was convinced she hated me.
That was another regret. Another regret I have is I wished that I had known that hope is always there, even if we can't see it. I also wished I hade taken a risked and just asked her out. The more and more I examine my life, the more I realize that in a few years, I will look back and be bored with my own life.
"In fifty years, do you want to look back and say you had the guts to get in the car." That, or something along those lines was said in Transformers. Its a good line, probably the most important line in the entire movie. I always played it safe, but I think its time I began to take risks and leave my comfort area. After all, we only live once.
So now I am at school. Building F, aka. Building BFE. If you don't know what B.F.E. stands for, ask me, but lets just say my dorm is at the very end of campus hiding behind the trees in the way back. Suprisingly though, people on my floor are really nice and sociable. Complete opposite of last year. My roommate is pretty cool too. Hopefully, it will be a good year.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
Legacy? Fate? Freewill? Leadership? Its about me now!
===WARNING!====
*THE THOUGHT PROCESS IN THIS BLOG IS ALL OVER THE PLACE. EXPECT TO GET LOST AT SOME POINT
You ever hear of the saying "Before you die, your life flashes before your eyes"? I've been wondering lately; is mine worth watching? Who will go to my funeral? Will people actually cry or will they be happy that pain in the ass is dead?
These morbid thoughts are in no way supposed to freak anyone who may actually care about me out. No, not at all. In fact, these thoughts are in no way intended to be dark, for a change. Actually, its quite the opposite.
These thoughts make me wonder about the future. Will I impact people's lives? Or will I be left in the shadows, never leaving behind my own Legacy? I could give a damn what people think of me, because lets face it, I am going to do what I want anyways. But I would love to see what people think anyways. I would love to know how often I tick people off and annoy them into submission.
Fate. Destiny. This is something that I really ponder at times. Do we have freewill or is everything determined by fate? Are our lives guided by Fate, but we have freewill to change it? I have always wondered what I am destined for, if I even have a destiny. Most likely, my life will not be remembered by anyone and will just be a name lost to history once I am dead.
I want to be the best at something. I don't know what, but I want to be the best at something honorable. I want to be the best at something so that people will look at me and give me respect, rather than dismiss it as a simple task and a waste of time. Go ahead and say it: I just want to please people. You may be partially right, but I can honestly say that I don't know for myself.
Recently, I have come to realize that I am taken advantage of. People use me as a means to achieve what they want and disregard my own agenda and my own goals. I have my own means that people. I am too nice, possibly. Lord knows when I am more assertively and ultimatly seem mean, and focus on what I want, people cut me down and force me back to a feeling of humbleness. They are ignorant to how I feel about this and to why I act more assertively.
I guess the problem starts with my mind. I know some people who probably give a damn about any of this, because Lord knows they didn't in high school have been waiting for me to admit that there is something wrong with my mind. My mind is a fascinating thing. Songs play in it constantly. I constantly imagine stories I want to write. In fact, after my Interpreting Literature final today, I wrote an entire short story in my head and wrote it down after I got back to my dorm. Despite the fact that I may only be average in my school work, and apathetic in politics and things other people say are important, I still don't care enough about these things. Others value these things that have a set path and set goals. I, on the other hand, value other things. I value the creative spirit. I value expressing myself. I value the voicing of beliefs, as opposed to keeping silent.
I am only 19 years old. I am aware of that, obviously. But I don't want to brag or project myself as a martyr or saint, but I am just stating cold, hard facts. I have been through a lot in my life. Some people who think they know everything would never understand what I have gone through. I lost my father when I was seven years old. SEVEN. Some of you could not comprehend that. I was forced to grow up before my time, and was the driving force behind how I turned out. I grew up with my mom and sister. Even the damned dog was female! Naturally, I was shaped by these factors. I grew up to value the importance of responsibility and hard work. I was raised to be polite and almost humble, to just give in to keep others happy.
As I grew, I was shaped by these values. I pretty much became a follower, following other people's interests. Luckily, I followed the right people and didn't go down a path that I would regret later on. These people valued the same things I was raised to value also, or at least it seemed like it. But eventually, something happened. I began to realize that there were things I wanted to do. Things I wanted to persue.
Then I met Ray, one of three friends that helped me the most in my life during high school. Ray and I had alot in common. I mean ALOT. No, you still don't understand. Someone could say something and me and Ray will think the same thing and just look at each other and have the exact same ideal. Ray became my best friend, and even though I respect what he wants to do and everything, I finally became a leader. Sure, I led what, my friend, but still, it was a start.
I know I completely changed topic, but let me do it again and make a 180. It takes someone who has a will to lead to achieve his own goals. That is what I intend to do this summer. Be warned.
*THE THOUGHT PROCESS IN THIS BLOG IS ALL OVER THE PLACE. EXPECT TO GET LOST AT SOME POINT
You ever hear of the saying "Before you die, your life flashes before your eyes"? I've been wondering lately; is mine worth watching? Who will go to my funeral? Will people actually cry or will they be happy that pain in the ass is dead?
These morbid thoughts are in no way supposed to freak anyone who may actually care about me out. No, not at all. In fact, these thoughts are in no way intended to be dark, for a change. Actually, its quite the opposite.
These thoughts make me wonder about the future. Will I impact people's lives? Or will I be left in the shadows, never leaving behind my own Legacy? I could give a damn what people think of me, because lets face it, I am going to do what I want anyways. But I would love to see what people think anyways. I would love to know how often I tick people off and annoy them into submission.
Fate. Destiny. This is something that I really ponder at times. Do we have freewill or is everything determined by fate? Are our lives guided by Fate, but we have freewill to change it? I have always wondered what I am destined for, if I even have a destiny. Most likely, my life will not be remembered by anyone and will just be a name lost to history once I am dead.
I want to be the best at something. I don't know what, but I want to be the best at something honorable. I want to be the best at something so that people will look at me and give me respect, rather than dismiss it as a simple task and a waste of time. Go ahead and say it: I just want to please people. You may be partially right, but I can honestly say that I don't know for myself.
Recently, I have come to realize that I am taken advantage of. People use me as a means to achieve what they want and disregard my own agenda and my own goals. I have my own means that people. I am too nice, possibly. Lord knows when I am more assertively and ultimatly seem mean, and focus on what I want, people cut me down and force me back to a feeling of humbleness. They are ignorant to how I feel about this and to why I act more assertively.
I guess the problem starts with my mind. I know some people who probably give a damn about any of this, because Lord knows they didn't in high school have been waiting for me to admit that there is something wrong with my mind. My mind is a fascinating thing. Songs play in it constantly. I constantly imagine stories I want to write. In fact, after my Interpreting Literature final today, I wrote an entire short story in my head and wrote it down after I got back to my dorm. Despite the fact that I may only be average in my school work, and apathetic in politics and things other people say are important, I still don't care enough about these things. Others value these things that have a set path and set goals. I, on the other hand, value other things. I value the creative spirit. I value expressing myself. I value the voicing of beliefs, as opposed to keeping silent.
I am only 19 years old. I am aware of that, obviously. But I don't want to brag or project myself as a martyr or saint, but I am just stating cold, hard facts. I have been through a lot in my life. Some people who think they know everything would never understand what I have gone through. I lost my father when I was seven years old. SEVEN. Some of you could not comprehend that. I was forced to grow up before my time, and was the driving force behind how I turned out. I grew up with my mom and sister. Even the damned dog was female! Naturally, I was shaped by these factors. I grew up to value the importance of responsibility and hard work. I was raised to be polite and almost humble, to just give in to keep others happy.
As I grew, I was shaped by these values. I pretty much became a follower, following other people's interests. Luckily, I followed the right people and didn't go down a path that I would regret later on. These people valued the same things I was raised to value also, or at least it seemed like it. But eventually, something happened. I began to realize that there were things I wanted to do. Things I wanted to persue.
Then I met Ray, one of three friends that helped me the most in my life during high school. Ray and I had alot in common. I mean ALOT. No, you still don't understand. Someone could say something and me and Ray will think the same thing and just look at each other and have the exact same ideal. Ray became my best friend, and even though I respect what he wants to do and everything, I finally became a leader. Sure, I led what, my friend, but still, it was a start.
I know I completely changed topic, but let me do it again and make a 180. It takes someone who has a will to lead to achieve his own goals. That is what I intend to do this summer. Be warned.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
The Summer
As the number of days grows short to the end of the semester and the upcomming days of summer fast approach, I have come to realize that farewells to new friends and a reunions with old friends are immenent. Its a wierd feeling, really. I am sure you all have felt it at one point. Its a feeling of dread, yet happiness at the same time. No, not dread for the farewell or happiness for the reunion. No, that is expected. This feeling is caused from the opposite. Your almost happy to leave your new friends for a while. Its not I don't like my new friends, but I am anxious for the summer. But the dread. I dread what the summer will be like. I can't help but think that it will be a sad, depressing, and lonely summer. But I also dread what will happen with the reunion. Will old friendships carry on like nothing has happenedD? Will old feuds rekindle? Will old grudges still be in place? But most of all, how have people changed?
I sure as hell have changed. I don't want to brag at all, but I am proud of myself. I have changed for the better, though some judge it as for the worse. Yeah, I will probably piss people off here and there. But you know why? Though in high school, I as loud and obnoxious and probably made alot of enemies because they didn't like how I acted, I did keep alot of things bottled up inside. I had things I wanted to tell people, people I wanted to tell off, questions I wanted to ask, and one person I wanted to please.
Before you all go and think that I go out of my way to please people, I don't. That one person was myself. I made sacrifices so I wouldn't be crucified for my beleifs and words later on.
But all of those words I wanted to say are lost. I disposed of them. I forgot my old feuds and my old grudges. I don't care what I wanted to say to the people in high school anymore. These don't matter anymore. College changes people, myself included, as I stated earlier. The people we all said goodbye to last August are no more. They have changed. They are now new people. They carry the same identity. We may not notice the changes, but they are there.
I don't believe that we are the same person forever. Events in or lives change us constantly. Sure, we are the same person physically, but mentally we constantly evolve.
My group of friends and I will reunite very soon. I am almost scared. I already imagine what it will be like and I just feel an overwhelming feeling that I am in over my head. So much stuff, so little time.
Ray. Josh. Jeff. David. Lindsey. Bradley. Bobby. Eric.
We will reuinte on a weekend sometime. We may all have different things to do this summer and jobs will get in the way. We each have our own goals to go after, and I wish us the best of luck. But please, I ask, do not forget what we started. The actually mission we accomplish is nothing for D&D is menial and nothing. The bond of friendshipe we had though. Let us not let that die.
I will message each of you and see when you will all be available for a meeting for us to get back together.
I sure as hell have changed. I don't want to brag at all, but I am proud of myself. I have changed for the better, though some judge it as for the worse. Yeah, I will probably piss people off here and there. But you know why? Though in high school, I as loud and obnoxious and probably made alot of enemies because they didn't like how I acted, I did keep alot of things bottled up inside. I had things I wanted to tell people, people I wanted to tell off, questions I wanted to ask, and one person I wanted to please.
Before you all go and think that I go out of my way to please people, I don't. That one person was myself. I made sacrifices so I wouldn't be crucified for my beleifs and words later on.
But all of those words I wanted to say are lost. I disposed of them. I forgot my old feuds and my old grudges. I don't care what I wanted to say to the people in high school anymore. These don't matter anymore. College changes people, myself included, as I stated earlier. The people we all said goodbye to last August are no more. They have changed. They are now new people. They carry the same identity. We may not notice the changes, but they are there.
I don't believe that we are the same person forever. Events in or lives change us constantly. Sure, we are the same person physically, but mentally we constantly evolve.
My group of friends and I will reunite very soon. I am almost scared. I already imagine what it will be like and I just feel an overwhelming feeling that I am in over my head. So much stuff, so little time.
Ray. Josh. Jeff. David. Lindsey. Bradley. Bobby. Eric.
We will reuinte on a weekend sometime. We may all have different things to do this summer and jobs will get in the way. We each have our own goals to go after, and I wish us the best of luck. But please, I ask, do not forget what we started. The actually mission we accomplish is nothing for D&D is menial and nothing. The bond of friendshipe we had though. Let us not let that die.
I will message each of you and see when you will all be available for a meeting for us to get back together.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Unfufilled: Contradicting a Paradox
Before I start, I am completely aware that the title itself is contradictory.
I want to be the best. No excuses. This is my goal in life. I do not want to be the one who tries to be the best and isn't. No, I want to take it to the next step and be the best. I want people to look at me and say "Wow. I want to be that good." I want to be the idol. I want to be the thing of Legend.
But I have come to the realization that this will not happen. Sure, I want to be the best at everything I do, but is it really possible? Right now, I have a whole list of complains in my head. No, they are not about anything or anyone, they are about myself. In my mind, I have a list of criticisms. If this list tells me anything, it tells me that I cannot be what I want to be.
Whoever said "You can be whatever you want to be" was full of it. I might very well sound pessimistic while saying that, but before I am condemned for this, hear me out. You can't be whatever you want. You can, however, be whatever you work towards. I have grown sick and tired of the way I am. And you know who I have to blame, myself. I am my greatest restraint.
Recently, I have been depressed, yet happy. Nervous, yet relaxed. Concerned, yet apathetic. A dreamer, yet realistic. Optimistic, yet pessimistic. Angry, yet calm.
And this list goes on.
I've wanted friends around me, yet I want to be left alone. I love the world, yet I hate the world. I long for something else in life, yet I don't want my life to change. I can't stand things being the same, yet I don't like drastic change. I like to lead and be in control, but I don't want to make decisions on my own.
I want to wake up every day and instead of putting on a mask, throw it out the window. I don't want to get up on a bad day and act like nothing is wrong by putting on a mask and pretending to be happy. Because its nothing more than pretend. One can only pretend for so long before they start lying to themselves. No,I'd rather cast that mask aside and be true to myself. If I feel bad, then I will be in a bad mood, and I refuse to pretend that everything is peachy keen. By the end of a day in which I do wear a mask, I still feel unsatisfied that night. I still have my anger or depression or frustration or whatever the feeling was that sent me into a bad mood. But days that I am true to myself, I feel better in the end. I get whatever upset me out of my system and I feel fresh and renewed. Sure, it seems that I pushed my fustration onto others by mocking them, being bitter to them, and the like, but I want to make one thing clear: If any of you know me at all, you know that I do this on a daily basis to my friends.
I am a leader, but I guarantee if you elect me to lead any group by myself, that would be the worst mistake of your life. I am a leader, yes, but a leader by support. I need a "council" of people there to lend support. You can say that I like to make sure my public image is still held up by support and I would rather not go on a limb if I know I am alone.
I speak my mind, and if it angers you, then you have to get over it. I refuse to censor my thoughts because it may make someone mad. The truth is, the truth hurts. If I tell the truth to you, I only hope you take that recognition of your flaws and improve yourself. I may not like to recieve the same sort of criticisms, but do not think I go uncriticized. No, not in the least. I am probably my worst critic. Sure, everyone is thier own worst critic, but I've been told I take it to a whole new level. People have told me that I am way to critical of myself. If I had messed something up, even something meanial, I beat myself up over it (not in the literal sense, mind you). I say things like "I should not have made that mistake." and "No, I will do better." and "My work was not satisfactory, I refuse to let myself fall this low." When I do things like this to myself, I have had people tell me to relax and not to get upset because we all make mistakes. I've said it once, and I still stick to it: "My best is not good enough."
Resoect is probably an issue that I do not have much of an issue with, but its still an issue. I demand respect. Who doesn't, when you get down to it. The only reason I guess I bring this up is because sometimes, when I am with "Friends", I am the joke of it all. It is nealy impossible for me to be serious, and when I am, they assume it is a joke. I guess I blame myself for this. I shaped my own image of myself, but clay is malleable, and I can change that statue. I may be a prick and may make enemies, but I will be respected for what I do in life. I am not the person who will be the butt of eveyrone's jokes any longer. I will stand up for myself. Despite being only 19 years old, I Have been through alot in my life. I've had to overcome the death of my father, I've had to grow up in a house with three women (yes, even the dog was a female), I've had to face things on my own because when you get down to it, I was the first and had no one to pave the way for me, and lastly, I have learned over the years that I can only rely on myself. I am the only one that I know will be there for me when I need help. It is my story and it will be my test.
I may stand alone to face my evils, or I may stand there with friends backing me up. I will not know until the day comes when I finally conquer these feelings inside of me and finally find peace. I want to say that I will have friends, but deep down, I am not sure if anyone will be there for me. I have even angered my friends over the years. I just wonder if I fall, who will be there to help me up? If I need someone, who will jump out of bed in the middle of the night and be there at my side in a heartbeat? Friends are nice and all, and I want them to be apart of my story, but if I have to, I am prepared to write my story alone.
"I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone. Tell me if you stay, I'll be forgiven. Nothing you can say can stop me going home."
~My Chemical Romance, The Black Parade, Famous Last Words
I want to be the best. No excuses. This is my goal in life. I do not want to be the one who tries to be the best and isn't. No, I want to take it to the next step and be the best. I want people to look at me and say "Wow. I want to be that good." I want to be the idol. I want to be the thing of Legend.
But I have come to the realization that this will not happen. Sure, I want to be the best at everything I do, but is it really possible? Right now, I have a whole list of complains in my head. No, they are not about anything or anyone, they are about myself. In my mind, I have a list of criticisms. If this list tells me anything, it tells me that I cannot be what I want to be.
Whoever said "You can be whatever you want to be" was full of it. I might very well sound pessimistic while saying that, but before I am condemned for this, hear me out. You can't be whatever you want. You can, however, be whatever you work towards. I have grown sick and tired of the way I am. And you know who I have to blame, myself. I am my greatest restraint.
Recently, I have been depressed, yet happy. Nervous, yet relaxed. Concerned, yet apathetic. A dreamer, yet realistic. Optimistic, yet pessimistic. Angry, yet calm.
And this list goes on.
I've wanted friends around me, yet I want to be left alone. I love the world, yet I hate the world. I long for something else in life, yet I don't want my life to change. I can't stand things being the same, yet I don't like drastic change. I like to lead and be in control, but I don't want to make decisions on my own.
I want to wake up every day and instead of putting on a mask, throw it out the window. I don't want to get up on a bad day and act like nothing is wrong by putting on a mask and pretending to be happy. Because its nothing more than pretend. One can only pretend for so long before they start lying to themselves. No,I'd rather cast that mask aside and be true to myself. If I feel bad, then I will be in a bad mood, and I refuse to pretend that everything is peachy keen. By the end of a day in which I do wear a mask, I still feel unsatisfied that night. I still have my anger or depression or frustration or whatever the feeling was that sent me into a bad mood. But days that I am true to myself, I feel better in the end. I get whatever upset me out of my system and I feel fresh and renewed. Sure, it seems that I pushed my fustration onto others by mocking them, being bitter to them, and the like, but I want to make one thing clear: If any of you know me at all, you know that I do this on a daily basis to my friends.
I am a leader, but I guarantee if you elect me to lead any group by myself, that would be the worst mistake of your life. I am a leader, yes, but a leader by support. I need a "council" of people there to lend support. You can say that I like to make sure my public image is still held up by support and I would rather not go on a limb if I know I am alone.
I speak my mind, and if it angers you, then you have to get over it. I refuse to censor my thoughts because it may make someone mad. The truth is, the truth hurts. If I tell the truth to you, I only hope you take that recognition of your flaws and improve yourself. I may not like to recieve the same sort of criticisms, but do not think I go uncriticized. No, not in the least. I am probably my worst critic. Sure, everyone is thier own worst critic, but I've been told I take it to a whole new level. People have told me that I am way to critical of myself. If I had messed something up, even something meanial, I beat myself up over it (not in the literal sense, mind you). I say things like "I should not have made that mistake." and "No, I will do better." and "My work was not satisfactory, I refuse to let myself fall this low." When I do things like this to myself, I have had people tell me to relax and not to get upset because we all make mistakes. I've said it once, and I still stick to it: "My best is not good enough."
Resoect is probably an issue that I do not have much of an issue with, but its still an issue. I demand respect. Who doesn't, when you get down to it. The only reason I guess I bring this up is because sometimes, when I am with "Friends", I am the joke of it all. It is nealy impossible for me to be serious, and when I am, they assume it is a joke. I guess I blame myself for this. I shaped my own image of myself, but clay is malleable, and I can change that statue. I may be a prick and may make enemies, but I will be respected for what I do in life. I am not the person who will be the butt of eveyrone's jokes any longer. I will stand up for myself. Despite being only 19 years old, I Have been through alot in my life. I've had to overcome the death of my father, I've had to grow up in a house with three women (yes, even the dog was a female), I've had to face things on my own because when you get down to it, I was the first and had no one to pave the way for me, and lastly, I have learned over the years that I can only rely on myself. I am the only one that I know will be there for me when I need help. It is my story and it will be my test.
I may stand alone to face my evils, or I may stand there with friends backing me up. I will not know until the day comes when I finally conquer these feelings inside of me and finally find peace. I want to say that I will have friends, but deep down, I am not sure if anyone will be there for me. I have even angered my friends over the years. I just wonder if I fall, who will be there to help me up? If I need someone, who will jump out of bed in the middle of the night and be there at my side in a heartbeat? Friends are nice and all, and I want them to be apart of my story, but if I have to, I am prepared to write my story alone.
"I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone. Tell me if you stay, I'll be forgiven. Nothing you can say can stop me going home."
~My Chemical Romance, The Black Parade, Famous Last Words
Monday, April 21, 2008
The Worst Weekend Ever!!!!
Friday, I had expected the best weekend ever. Get some much-deserved relaxation on Friday, Saturday, got the Shadowmoor Pre-Release with Josh. Get alot of good stuff from Shadowmoor. Maybe go down to New Brighton's card shop and pick up a few supplies and stuff. Go back to school and relax.
Too bad it didn't work out that way.
Friday, as I was on my way home. Wait, I take that back, about 10 feet away from my dorm, my car broke down. Not only was my day ruined, but my plans for Prereleasing on Saturday. Something I was looking foreward to since October. So far, my car is not functioning and something I have been looking foreward to since October is crushed. So, does it make sense for me to be upset? Well, put it this way, I don't know of anyone who world who wouldn't be upset with something like that. So yes, I was upset. I personally don't see where my mom was comming from when she told me that it was a waste to be upset because I can't control it. I know for a fact that she would be upset if something like that happened too.
So, by that night I felt better. Saturday, Josh and I were still planning on hanging out, but he ended up going up to his camp. I didn't really do anything on Saturday, so it turned out to be a waste. Ray came over at least and we hung out, since we haven't hung out in weeks.
So, yesterday, I didn't do anything today either. The only problem was I left my phone in my mom's car, so I don't have it this week, which really sucks.
So far today has been a mix. It started off on the wrong foot. Since I don't have an alarm because I don't have my phone, I woke up at 8:30. My first class is at 9:00. Normally, it would be fine, but that early, I like to walk a bit slower to enjoy the morning, so I leave at 8:40. Well, that wasn't possible, so I barely made it to my class on time.
The only good thing to happen today was later. My 11:00 let out at 11:30, then I go to wait for my 12:00, but find out it is cancelled! Then the good feeling was shot down when I found out that its going to cost like $400 bucks to fix my car.
So, that was the worest weekend EVER! When it is over, you will know. I will actually be happy.
Too bad it didn't work out that way.
Friday, as I was on my way home. Wait, I take that back, about 10 feet away from my dorm, my car broke down. Not only was my day ruined, but my plans for Prereleasing on Saturday. Something I was looking foreward to since October. So far, my car is not functioning and something I have been looking foreward to since October is crushed. So, does it make sense for me to be upset? Well, put it this way, I don't know of anyone who world who wouldn't be upset with something like that. So yes, I was upset. I personally don't see where my mom was comming from when she told me that it was a waste to be upset because I can't control it. I know for a fact that she would be upset if something like that happened too.
So, by that night I felt better. Saturday, Josh and I were still planning on hanging out, but he ended up going up to his camp. I didn't really do anything on Saturday, so it turned out to be a waste. Ray came over at least and we hung out, since we haven't hung out in weeks.
So, yesterday, I didn't do anything today either. The only problem was I left my phone in my mom's car, so I don't have it this week, which really sucks.
So far today has been a mix. It started off on the wrong foot. Since I don't have an alarm because I don't have my phone, I woke up at 8:30. My first class is at 9:00. Normally, it would be fine, but that early, I like to walk a bit slower to enjoy the morning, so I leave at 8:40. Well, that wasn't possible, so I barely made it to my class on time.
The only good thing to happen today was later. My 11:00 let out at 11:30, then I go to wait for my 12:00, but find out it is cancelled! Then the good feeling was shot down when I found out that its going to cost like $400 bucks to fix my car.
So, that was the worest weekend EVER! When it is over, you will know. I will actually be happy.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Friendship Part 1: What exactly happened?
Constantly, I've gone through times when I thought friends were the best thing to ever happen to me and times when I thought friends were a "Crutch for the weak", to quote Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho. But it doesn't matter which one I choose, one thing is for sure. Friends are always there, as a joy or as an annoyance, they will always be there.
Let me start at the beginning, I guess, well, as far back as I can remember while keeping the details straight. Sixth Grade. I had some problems with people. Everyone does, at one point, I think. Mine were just terrible though. David was my best friend at the time. Too bad he joined in when a few others made fun of me. That may very well have been the root of my distaste towards friendship, but I think it also may have spawned later in life.
Seventh grade was the best. It was like, if I can switch a common phrase, like jumping from the fire into the frying pan. Things were OK. I made some new friends, well friend at the time. Most others would become friends later on when I had a personal awakening, but more on that later. Jeff became my best friend and rival. Every Friday, he came up to my house and while his mom and my mom sat and did whatever they did, me and Jeff's rivalry fueled itself. We competed in games such as Duel Monsters, Magic: The Gathering, and my all time favorite, the Light saber battles outside. When we went to his house, we always played the old school Crash Banditcot Racing games and some Dragon Ball Z fighting games. I remember, I enjoyed this, even though Jeff had risen to be the stronger of the two rivals in the overall contest. But whatever, it was fun.
Eighth grade. Well, what can I say, back into the fire. David and I had some problems. I think it was because me and Jeff got closer and I wasn't dependent on David. I grew bitter because of the way I was treated. I knew that there was some jealousy when David's mom told my mom that she should enroll me in Big Brothers. My life was fine. The only time I ever had problems was when David was around and he cut me down. I met Lindsey that year. We became good friends and it was ninth grade when I began to develop the obvious feelings for her, but more on that later.
Ninth grade was a blur. I remember that there was football games we went to. I think, though I am not totally sure as I can't remember too well, but me and Jeff's rivalry continued into tenth grade, I'd say, because I remember Jeff driving up to my house. I met the friend who would change my life, even if me, Jeff, and David made fun of him from a distance.
Tenth grade was the most important year for me. Band camp that year. Jeff was talking about Final Fantasy X, which I had started playing at my cousin's. I remember, the story confused the hell out of me back then. Ray overheard us and joined in. Over the year, me and Ray realized we had a few more things in common, but then another bond was forged at the end of that school year. With the release of Saviors of Kamigawa, Ray started playing Magic. Neither one of us were terrible, but we pushed each other to grow stronger, with a little help from Ravnica block.
Any who, during this time, Ray did something that I thank and condemn him for. He had a thing for Lindsey at the time, but realizing that I liked her too, he backed off. I remember, it was at the elementary girls basketball game when this happened. Our sisters had played and neither of us really wanted to watch. I found out about his feelings for Lindsey only just recently, within the last year. I thank him because, at the time, it was a good thing. But if I had known what I know now, I would have condemned him. "You can't just give up something you want." I would have told him. But it may have ruined a friendship, like what would almost happen two years later. Also note that the Tenor Book had its foundations in this year.
Junior year. Me and Ray grew closer through Magic and other things, such as Final Fantasy and Soul Caliber 3. Me and Jeff's rivalry had died down. Jeff and David had begun a rivalry of academics. Me and Ray never really forged a true rivalry at the time. Things continued and to be honest, me, Jeff, and David began to really separate. I grew closer to Lindsey and Ray. During this time, I began to befriend Josh through Magic.
Senior Year. The first day of school, I realized that I could not be the quiet one anymore and I had to come out of my shell. I did. I became friends with the people who used to make fun of me. It was a good time that senior year. I made so many more friends. People like Nico, Bobby, Boots, Dalton and a few others. Josh and I had Multimedia that year. Nico was in that class and we spark noted whatever we had to read for English, which was the next period. Josh and I caused so much chaos it wasn't funny, be it from power points to movies. But we had fun, until the semester ended. When the semester change, I had a World Mythology class followed by Sociology. Me and Nico still had Sociology together and leeched off people from the other AP English Class for what we were supposed to do for homework. I remember, the first weekend in that semester, I was sick from Thursday until Sunday. On Monday in World Mythology, I was surprised to see that Josh was in my class. I was so excited because me and Josh had become closer due to an event between me and Ray (see next paragraph). We still caused trouble. We had alot of fun too. I became close to Bobby and me and Bobby are good friends now too. The fun we had, from the AWESOME Dragon head for Chinese New Year, the Armor and costumes for our debate for president with the Greek Gods, and the infamous movie we made for Romans v. Vikings. When it ended, we were sad. I am really glad Josh had transferred to the class, because I really don't think me and Bobby would have became friends.
Well then, the reason me and Josh became close. A girl, of course. Ray decided that after giving up Lindsey, he wouldn't do it again. I respect him for that. I was after this girl too. Aubrey, the drum major. Things didn't work out. Ray really liked her and I just had a foolish crush. Any who, I had asked her to prom and she said she was going with her friend Brad. Ray asked her the next day and got a yes. I found that funny after everything was said and done. Ray and I began to grow bitter towards each other but it died down. Then, when Ray said he had to sign up for prom, I automatically asked with who. He said Aubrey and I just laughed. I called for a meeting before Jazz band in the "Board Room" as we called it. I told him the response i got from Aubrey the day before he asked. He still went with her, but she treated him like shit, from what I hear. Disrespect. I cannot tolerate that. If someone shows you hospitality and kindness, at least be kind in return. We think that Aubrey and her friends, namely Sadie had planned on doing this to ruin our friendship. They never liked me and Ray anyways. We were loud and had fun, which is so wrong and evil, right? But whatever. It is in the past and i do not want to hold any grudges anymore. Besides, I am sure there is a logical explanation for everything. Me and Ray just have more fun with our half-baked theories. To make things worse for me, David had a thing for Lindsey, and despite the fact that I was over Lindsey and we were just friends, he treated me like garbage. I couldn't even talk to Lindsey, who during this feud, was my closest friends I could rely on. I had to deal with things on my own. David grew jealous of me for no apparent reason aside from he didn't know that I was over Lindsey. So, I had to deal with hostility from David and Ray. I did and I think it helped shape who I am now.
Finally. Graduation. I rotated out, to make a Magic reference. Josh had quit a few months before this and the Magic community pretty much dwindled down to me and Ray. It would stay that way for about a year. That summer, I called for D&D, combining the original party of characters, the old high-school friends, with the new friends I had made. It gets crazy, but we have fun and it still goes on in the summers. Ray and me's lawn cutting business had pretty much fallen apart when Ray had a severe allergic reaction and I got another job. Ray shortly after got another job too. We hung out during the summer and stuff.
Then I moved to a new place. Slippery Rock University. I made two main friends during the first few months, Dan and Andy. The three of us were in a learning cluster, so we had 3 classes together. Shortly, I joined their group and met up with Chris, Kenny, and Niko. I also became friends with Sarah, my neighbor, and Sue, Niko's girlfriend and Sarah's roommate. (So yes, as I discussed in my last blog, Ray and Lindsey, I do have friends!) Andy, Dan , and I had a blast in Daniel's class, because Daniels is THE MAN! Niko, his girlfriend and I cook our own food once a week instead of going to Boozels. They are good friends. I try to be modest about things, but they really extend the hand of friendship. In return, I help them too. I made some damn' good friends so far at SRU.
But now, thanks to Nico, I had no choice but to really think about all of this. His commencement speech was about us moving on, but recently on AOL, he posted a link for the class of '007 to read. It was about our homecoming after the first year of college. About leaving our friends at school in exchange for our old friends for the summer. College really changes people. My friends up here already changed, and sometimes, we changed together. But the fun is seeing my old high-school friends and seeing how they changed. I wasn't there when they changed. I am anxious to see how people are now. It will be a fun event, to say the least.
Let me start at the beginning, I guess, well, as far back as I can remember while keeping the details straight. Sixth Grade. I had some problems with people. Everyone does, at one point, I think. Mine were just terrible though. David was my best friend at the time. Too bad he joined in when a few others made fun of me. That may very well have been the root of my distaste towards friendship, but I think it also may have spawned later in life.
Seventh grade was the best. It was like, if I can switch a common phrase, like jumping from the fire into the frying pan. Things were OK. I made some new friends, well friend at the time. Most others would become friends later on when I had a personal awakening, but more on that later. Jeff became my best friend and rival. Every Friday, he came up to my house and while his mom and my mom sat and did whatever they did, me and Jeff's rivalry fueled itself. We competed in games such as Duel Monsters, Magic: The Gathering, and my all time favorite, the Light saber battles outside. When we went to his house, we always played the old school Crash Banditcot Racing games and some Dragon Ball Z fighting games. I remember, I enjoyed this, even though Jeff had risen to be the stronger of the two rivals in the overall contest. But whatever, it was fun.
Eighth grade. Well, what can I say, back into the fire. David and I had some problems. I think it was because me and Jeff got closer and I wasn't dependent on David. I grew bitter because of the way I was treated. I knew that there was some jealousy when David's mom told my mom that she should enroll me in Big Brothers. My life was fine. The only time I ever had problems was when David was around and he cut me down. I met Lindsey that year. We became good friends and it was ninth grade when I began to develop the obvious feelings for her, but more on that later.
Ninth grade was a blur. I remember that there was football games we went to. I think, though I am not totally sure as I can't remember too well, but me and Jeff's rivalry continued into tenth grade, I'd say, because I remember Jeff driving up to my house. I met the friend who would change my life, even if me, Jeff, and David made fun of him from a distance.
Tenth grade was the most important year for me. Band camp that year. Jeff was talking about Final Fantasy X, which I had started playing at my cousin's. I remember, the story confused the hell out of me back then. Ray overheard us and joined in. Over the year, me and Ray realized we had a few more things in common, but then another bond was forged at the end of that school year. With the release of Saviors of Kamigawa, Ray started playing Magic. Neither one of us were terrible, but we pushed each other to grow stronger, with a little help from Ravnica block.
Any who, during this time, Ray did something that I thank and condemn him for. He had a thing for Lindsey at the time, but realizing that I liked her too, he backed off. I remember, it was at the elementary girls basketball game when this happened. Our sisters had played and neither of us really wanted to watch. I found out about his feelings for Lindsey only just recently, within the last year. I thank him because, at the time, it was a good thing. But if I had known what I know now, I would have condemned him. "You can't just give up something you want." I would have told him. But it may have ruined a friendship, like what would almost happen two years later. Also note that the Tenor Book had its foundations in this year.
Junior year. Me and Ray grew closer through Magic and other things, such as Final Fantasy and Soul Caliber 3. Me and Jeff's rivalry had died down. Jeff and David had begun a rivalry of academics. Me and Ray never really forged a true rivalry at the time. Things continued and to be honest, me, Jeff, and David began to really separate. I grew closer to Lindsey and Ray. During this time, I began to befriend Josh through Magic.
Senior Year. The first day of school, I realized that I could not be the quiet one anymore and I had to come out of my shell. I did. I became friends with the people who used to make fun of me. It was a good time that senior year. I made so many more friends. People like Nico, Bobby, Boots, Dalton and a few others. Josh and I had Multimedia that year. Nico was in that class and we spark noted whatever we had to read for English, which was the next period. Josh and I caused so much chaos it wasn't funny, be it from power points to movies. But we had fun, until the semester ended. When the semester change, I had a World Mythology class followed by Sociology. Me and Nico still had Sociology together and leeched off people from the other AP English Class for what we were supposed to do for homework. I remember, the first weekend in that semester, I was sick from Thursday until Sunday. On Monday in World Mythology, I was surprised to see that Josh was in my class. I was so excited because me and Josh had become closer due to an event between me and Ray (see next paragraph). We still caused trouble. We had alot of fun too. I became close to Bobby and me and Bobby are good friends now too. The fun we had, from the AWESOME Dragon head for Chinese New Year, the Armor and costumes for our debate for president with the Greek Gods, and the infamous movie we made for Romans v. Vikings. When it ended, we were sad. I am really glad Josh had transferred to the class, because I really don't think me and Bobby would have became friends.
Well then, the reason me and Josh became close. A girl, of course. Ray decided that after giving up Lindsey, he wouldn't do it again. I respect him for that. I was after this girl too. Aubrey, the drum major. Things didn't work out. Ray really liked her and I just had a foolish crush. Any who, I had asked her to prom and she said she was going with her friend Brad. Ray asked her the next day and got a yes. I found that funny after everything was said and done. Ray and I began to grow bitter towards each other but it died down. Then, when Ray said he had to sign up for prom, I automatically asked with who. He said Aubrey and I just laughed. I called for a meeting before Jazz band in the "Board Room" as we called it. I told him the response i got from Aubrey the day before he asked. He still went with her, but she treated him like shit, from what I hear. Disrespect. I cannot tolerate that. If someone shows you hospitality and kindness, at least be kind in return. We think that Aubrey and her friends, namely Sadie had planned on doing this to ruin our friendship. They never liked me and Ray anyways. We were loud and had fun, which is so wrong and evil, right? But whatever. It is in the past and i do not want to hold any grudges anymore. Besides, I am sure there is a logical explanation for everything. Me and Ray just have more fun with our half-baked theories. To make things worse for me, David had a thing for Lindsey, and despite the fact that I was over Lindsey and we were just friends, he treated me like garbage. I couldn't even talk to Lindsey, who during this feud, was my closest friends I could rely on. I had to deal with things on my own. David grew jealous of me for no apparent reason aside from he didn't know that I was over Lindsey. So, I had to deal with hostility from David and Ray. I did and I think it helped shape who I am now.
Finally. Graduation. I rotated out, to make a Magic reference. Josh had quit a few months before this and the Magic community pretty much dwindled down to me and Ray. It would stay that way for about a year. That summer, I called for D&D, combining the original party of characters, the old high-school friends, with the new friends I had made. It gets crazy, but we have fun and it still goes on in the summers. Ray and me's lawn cutting business had pretty much fallen apart when Ray had a severe allergic reaction and I got another job. Ray shortly after got another job too. We hung out during the summer and stuff.
Then I moved to a new place. Slippery Rock University. I made two main friends during the first few months, Dan and Andy. The three of us were in a learning cluster, so we had 3 classes together. Shortly, I joined their group and met up with Chris, Kenny, and Niko. I also became friends with Sarah, my neighbor, and Sue, Niko's girlfriend and Sarah's roommate. (So yes, as I discussed in my last blog, Ray and Lindsey, I do have friends!) Andy, Dan , and I had a blast in Daniel's class, because Daniels is THE MAN! Niko, his girlfriend and I cook our own food once a week instead of going to Boozels. They are good friends. I try to be modest about things, but they really extend the hand of friendship. In return, I help them too. I made some damn' good friends so far at SRU.
But now, thanks to Nico, I had no choice but to really think about all of this. His commencement speech was about us moving on, but recently on AOL, he posted a link for the class of '007 to read. It was about our homecoming after the first year of college. About leaving our friends at school in exchange for our old friends for the summer. College really changes people. My friends up here already changed, and sometimes, we changed together. But the fun is seeing my old high-school friends and seeing how they changed. I wasn't there when they changed. I am anxious to see how people are now. It will be a fun event, to say the least.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
This is My Story
This is my story. I want it to be a good one. I'd love to share it with as many people as possible, but then again, I could give a damn' if anyone read it. I just recently read an essay for my College Writing II class about Blogging, and I realized I haven't really kept up with my blog like I intended to. Well, that's about to change. I am going to, well, at least try, to keep this blog up again. I will try to post every day, but only time will tell how that goes.
Onward to the next matter of business. I had my first FNM last week. For those who are uneducated in the art of Magic: The Gathering, FNM means Friday Night Magic. Its a tournament that is held every Friday. I wish I could say it went well, but then I'd be lying. To save the sanity of those who don't care about my Magic life, I will post the results in my MtG blog.
Next order of buisness. School. I am tired of it. I cannot wait until summer. Sure, I have fun with my friends up here, but lets face it, ot was hard enough my senior year to get out of bed to go to class, but my mom forced me. Now its even harder because no one is there to force me. I do my best in classes, but one class in particular isn't so hot right now. I won't discuss it, as I would rather not hear and bickering and lectures from others. More on this rant later.
Got my first car last weekend. Its a 1994 Buick LeSabre. I think anyways. I am terrible with cars. All I know is its mine. It was funny though, my great uncle, who just died two weeks ago owned this care before me. He was really religious and had alot of religious emblems in the car. My friend, Josh, got in the car and was like "Woah! Its Jesus!" and said "Even the pope would be like 'Hey, lets leave work at work." I laughed. It was funny.
But I think I'll leave out the rest of my geek talk in favor of something a bit more important. Recently, I heard some news. For the sake of confidentiality, I will try to be very vague on the subject. But as it turns out, a friend of mine called me a loser because I come home on weekends. The other friend rebutted saying that it could be because I don't have any friends at SRU. Both of these are full of lies and it simply annoys me that my old high school friends have so much confidence in me. It also pains me that they are critizing something they have no right to criticize. For their information,I do have good friends up here. I may not have made alot of friends, but the ones I have are damn' good friends. And for thier information, a few of these friends are from Ohio, near Columbus, and even they go home each weekend. Its over a 2 hour drive. So, if my friends all go home on weekends, how am I the loser for for doing the same. Its better than me sitting around here doing absolutly nothing. So, if this applies to you, know this. You are my friends, but I would really appreciate if you would make comments when you are informed on the situation. I do not tolerate ignorance.
Speaking of me not tolerating ignorance, I would like to make an announcement. The old John is no more. A new John has been forged. Arrogant? Probably, but I prefer Confident. Asshole? Most likely, but I intend to tell it as it is. It is not my problem that the truth hurts. Proud? Its time I take Pride in my actions and stop being the one who blends into the background. Independent? Yes. I am out for myself now.
This looks like I have grown bitter, but in reality, I have not. In fact, I have more fun now, mainly because I worry about myself and don't wait for the apporoval of others before I do anything anymore. I follow my own drum. I no longer take things as they come, I now am ready to make the waves, if you will. I am the one who is going to be taking charge and will no longer tolerate excuses. Its time the world toughens me up, and I feel that I am prepared for it. Friends are nice, but in the end, the only person I know I can count on is myself. This is not meant to sound rude, but it is the truth. Think about it. Even if you think there is someone you can trust, thing happen. They could turn on you. They may not be available for help. They may not be able to help you. When the dust settles, I know that only I can be there for myself all the time.
Also, I have been admitting defeat, misunderstanding and the like more. This Modesty is not somehting that can be taken advantage of. I now know that if I do not know something, it is impossible for me to act like I know what I am talking about. Simply by admitting that I do not know something, I save myself embarassment later on. Its something simple that i learned from my Political Theory professor, Dr. Martin. He says "I'd rather be an idiot than a fool." Take it or leave it.
And finally, I would like to end by saying that this new John will be the same as the old John for the most part. But if I am pushed far enough, the new John will rear his ugly head.
Onward to the next matter of business. I had my first FNM last week. For those who are uneducated in the art of Magic: The Gathering, FNM means Friday Night Magic. Its a tournament that is held every Friday. I wish I could say it went well, but then I'd be lying. To save the sanity of those who don't care about my Magic life, I will post the results in my MtG blog.
Next order of buisness. School. I am tired of it. I cannot wait until summer. Sure, I have fun with my friends up here, but lets face it, ot was hard enough my senior year to get out of bed to go to class, but my mom forced me. Now its even harder because no one is there to force me. I do my best in classes, but one class in particular isn't so hot right now. I won't discuss it, as I would rather not hear and bickering and lectures from others. More on this rant later.
Got my first car last weekend. Its a 1994 Buick LeSabre. I think anyways. I am terrible with cars. All I know is its mine. It was funny though, my great uncle, who just died two weeks ago owned this care before me. He was really religious and had alot of religious emblems in the car. My friend, Josh, got in the car and was like "Woah! Its Jesus!" and said "Even the pope would be like 'Hey, lets leave work at work." I laughed. It was funny.
But I think I'll leave out the rest of my geek talk in favor of something a bit more important. Recently, I heard some news. For the sake of confidentiality, I will try to be very vague on the subject. But as it turns out, a friend of mine called me a loser because I come home on weekends. The other friend rebutted saying that it could be because I don't have any friends at SRU. Both of these are full of lies and it simply annoys me that my old high school friends have so much confidence in me. It also pains me that they are critizing something they have no right to criticize. For their information,I do have good friends up here. I may not have made alot of friends, but the ones I have are damn' good friends. And for thier information, a few of these friends are from Ohio, near Columbus, and even they go home each weekend. Its over a 2 hour drive. So, if my friends all go home on weekends, how am I the loser for for doing the same. Its better than me sitting around here doing absolutly nothing. So, if this applies to you, know this. You are my friends, but I would really appreciate if you would make comments when you are informed on the situation. I do not tolerate ignorance.
Speaking of me not tolerating ignorance, I would like to make an announcement. The old John is no more. A new John has been forged. Arrogant? Probably, but I prefer Confident. Asshole? Most likely, but I intend to tell it as it is. It is not my problem that the truth hurts. Proud? Its time I take Pride in my actions and stop being the one who blends into the background. Independent? Yes. I am out for myself now.
This looks like I have grown bitter, but in reality, I have not. In fact, I have more fun now, mainly because I worry about myself and don't wait for the apporoval of others before I do anything anymore. I follow my own drum. I no longer take things as they come, I now am ready to make the waves, if you will. I am the one who is going to be taking charge and will no longer tolerate excuses. Its time the world toughens me up, and I feel that I am prepared for it. Friends are nice, but in the end, the only person I know I can count on is myself. This is not meant to sound rude, but it is the truth. Think about it. Even if you think there is someone you can trust, thing happen. They could turn on you. They may not be available for help. They may not be able to help you. When the dust settles, I know that only I can be there for myself all the time.
Also, I have been admitting defeat, misunderstanding and the like more. This Modesty is not somehting that can be taken advantage of. I now know that if I do not know something, it is impossible for me to act like I know what I am talking about. Simply by admitting that I do not know something, I save myself embarassment later on. Its something simple that i learned from my Political Theory professor, Dr. Martin. He says "I'd rather be an idiot than a fool." Take it or leave it.
And finally, I would like to end by saying that this new John will be the same as the old John for the most part. But if I am pushed far enough, the new John will rear his ugly head.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
