Unfufilled: Contradicting a Paradox

Before I start, I am completely aware that the title itself is contradictory.

I want to be the best. No excuses. This is my goal in life. I do not want to be the one who tries to be the best and isn't. No, I want to take it to the next step and be the best. I want people to look at me and say "Wow. I want to be that good." I want to be the idol. I want to be the thing of Legend.

But I have come to the realization that this will not happen. Sure, I want to be the best at everything I do, but is it really possible? Right now, I have a whole list of complains in my head. No, they are not about anything or anyone, they are about myself. In my mind, I have a list of criticisms. If this list tells me anything, it tells me that I cannot be what I want to be.

Whoever said "You can be whatever you want to be" was full of it. I might very well sound pessimistic while saying that, but before I am condemned for this, hear me out. You can't be whatever you want. You can, however, be whatever you work towards. I have grown sick and tired of the way I am. And you know who I have to blame, myself. I am my greatest restraint.

Recently, I have been depressed, yet happy. Nervous, yet relaxed. Concerned, yet apathetic. A dreamer, yet realistic. Optimistic, yet pessimistic. Angry, yet calm.

And this list goes on.

I've wanted friends around me, yet I want to be left alone. I love the world, yet I hate the world. I long for something else in life, yet I don't want my life to change. I can't stand things being the same, yet I don't like drastic change. I like to lead and be in control, but I don't want to make decisions on my own.

I want to wake up every day and instead of putting on a mask, throw it out the window. I don't want to get up on a bad day and act like nothing is wrong by putting on a mask and pretending to be happy. Because its nothing more than pretend. One can only pretend for so long before they start lying to themselves. No,I'd rather cast that mask aside and be true to myself. If I feel bad, then I will be in a bad mood, and I refuse to pretend that everything is peachy keen. By the end of a day in which I do wear a mask, I still feel unsatisfied that night. I still have my anger or depression or frustration or whatever the feeling was that sent me into a bad mood. But days that I am true to myself, I feel better in the end. I get whatever upset me out of my system and I feel fresh and renewed. Sure, it seems that I pushed my fustration onto others by mocking them, being bitter to them, and the like, but I want to make one thing clear: If any of you know me at all, you know that I do this on a daily basis to my friends.

I am a leader, but I guarantee if you elect me to lead any group by myself, that would be the worst mistake of your life. I am a leader, yes, but a leader by support. I need a "council" of people there to lend support. You can say that I like to make sure my public image is still held up by support and I would rather not go on a limb if I know I am alone.

I speak my mind, and if it angers you, then you have to get over it. I refuse to censor my thoughts because it may make someone mad. The truth is, the truth hurts. If I tell the truth to you, I only hope you take that recognition of your flaws and improve yourself. I may not like to recieve the same sort of criticisms, but do not think I go uncriticized. No, not in the least. I am probably my worst critic. Sure, everyone is thier own worst critic, but I've been told I take it to a whole new level. People have told me that I am way to critical of myself. If I had messed something up, even something meanial, I beat myself up over it (not in the literal sense, mind you). I say things like "I should not have made that mistake." and "No, I will do better." and "My work was not satisfactory, I refuse to let myself fall this low." When I do things like this to myself, I have had people tell me to relax and not to get upset because we all make mistakes. I've said it once, and I still stick to it: "My best is not good enough."

Resoect is probably an issue that I do not have much of an issue with, but its still an issue. I demand respect. Who doesn't, when you get down to it. The only reason I guess I bring this up is because sometimes, when I am with "Friends", I am the joke of it all. It is nealy impossible for me to be serious, and when I am, they assume it is a joke. I guess I blame myself for this. I shaped my own image of myself, but clay is malleable, and I can change that statue. I may be a prick and may make enemies, but I will be respected for what I do in life. I am not the person who will be the butt of eveyrone's jokes any longer. I will stand up for myself. Despite being only 19 years old, I Have been through alot in my life. I've had to overcome the death of my father, I've had to grow up in a house with three women (yes, even the dog was a female), I've had to face things on my own because when you get down to it, I was the first and had no one to pave the way for me, and lastly, I have learned over the years that I can only rely on myself. I am the only one that I know will be there for me when I need help. It is my story and it will be my test.

I may stand alone to face my evils, or I may stand there with friends backing me up. I will not know until the day comes when I finally conquer these feelings inside of me and finally find peace. I want to say that I will have friends, but deep down, I am not sure if anyone will be there for me. I have even angered my friends over the years. I just wonder if I fall, who will be there to help me up? If I need someone, who will jump out of bed in the middle of the night and be there at my side in a heartbeat? Friends are nice and all, and I want them to be apart of my story, but if I have to, I am prepared to write my story alone.

"I am not afraid to keep on living. I am not afraid to walk this world alone. Tell me if you stay, I'll be forgiven. Nothing you can say can stop me going home."
~My Chemical Romance, The Black Parade, Famous Last Words