Legacy? Fate? Freewill? Leadership? Its about me now!

===WARNING!====
*THE THOUGHT PROCESS IN THIS BLOG IS ALL OVER THE PLACE. EXPECT TO GET LOST AT SOME POINT

You ever hear of the saying "Before you die, your life flashes before your eyes"? I've been wondering lately; is mine worth watching? Who will go to my funeral? Will people actually cry or will they be happy that pain in the ass is dead?

These morbid thoughts are in no way supposed to freak anyone who may actually care about me out. No, not at all. In fact, these thoughts are in no way intended to be dark, for a change. Actually, its quite the opposite.

These thoughts make me wonder about the future. Will I impact people's lives? Or will I be left in the shadows, never leaving behind my own Legacy? I could give a damn what people think of me, because lets face it, I am going to do what I want anyways. But I would love to see what people think anyways. I would love to know how often I tick people off and annoy them into submission.

Fate. Destiny. This is something that I really ponder at times. Do we have freewill or is everything determined by fate? Are our lives guided by Fate, but we have freewill to change it? I have always wondered what I am destined for, if I even have a destiny. Most likely, my life will not be remembered by anyone and will just be a name lost to history once I am dead.

I want to be the best at something. I don't know what, but I want to be the best at something honorable. I want to be the best at something so that people will look at me and give me respect, rather than dismiss it as a simple task and a waste of time. Go ahead and say it: I just want to please people. You may be partially right, but I can honestly say that I don't know for myself.

Recently, I have come to realize that I am taken advantage of. People use me as a means to achieve what they want and disregard my own agenda and my own goals. I have my own means that people. I am too nice, possibly. Lord knows when I am more assertively and ultimatly seem mean, and focus on what I want, people cut me down and force me back to a feeling of humbleness. They are ignorant to how I feel about this and to why I act more assertively.

I guess the problem starts with my mind. I know some people who probably give a damn about any of this, because Lord knows they didn't in high school have been waiting for me to admit that there is something wrong with my mind. My mind is a fascinating thing. Songs play in it constantly. I constantly imagine stories I want to write. In fact, after my Interpreting Literature final today, I wrote an entire short story in my head and wrote it down after I got back to my dorm. Despite the fact that I may only be average in my school work, and apathetic in politics and things other people say are important, I still don't care enough about these things. Others value these things that have a set path and set goals. I, on the other hand, value other things. I value the creative spirit. I value expressing myself. I value the voicing of beliefs, as opposed to keeping silent.

I am only 19 years old. I am aware of that, obviously. But I don't want to brag or project myself as a martyr or saint, but I am just stating cold, hard facts. I have been through a lot in my life. Some people who think they know everything would never understand what I have gone through. I lost my father when I was seven years old. SEVEN. Some of you could not comprehend that. I was forced to grow up before my time, and was the driving force behind how I turned out. I grew up with my mom and sister. Even the damned dog was female! Naturally, I was shaped by these factors. I grew up to value the importance of responsibility and hard work. I was raised to be polite and almost humble, to just give in to keep others happy.

As I grew, I was shaped by these values. I pretty much became a follower, following other people's interests. Luckily, I followed the right people and didn't go down a path that I would regret later on. These people valued the same things I was raised to value also, or at least it seemed like it. But eventually, something happened. I began to realize that there were things I wanted to do. Things I wanted to persue.

Then I met Ray, one of three friends that helped me the most in my life during high school. Ray and I had alot in common. I mean ALOT. No, you still don't understand. Someone could say something and me and Ray will think the same thing and just look at each other and have the exact same ideal. Ray became my best friend, and even though I respect what he wants to do and everything, I finally became a leader. Sure, I led what, my friend, but still, it was a start.

I know I completely changed topic, but let me do it again and make a 180. It takes someone who has a will to lead to achieve his own goals. That is what I intend to do this summer. Be warned.